Aal izz well...

I love movies. Especially when they promote happy thoughts. Seriously though. I don’t really like movies that leave me feeling depressed and empty or remind me too much of the terrible things that have happened or could happen. There is enough of that in my head already, I really don’t feel the need to be reminded. 

I do, however, need to be reminded of the good things that are happening. Which is why I usually stick with movies that do that very thing. That doesn’t mean that the movie doesn’t have sad moments. It just means that there is redemption to the sad parts of the movies, so much so that it makes you almost forget the tragic parts. 

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the movie that I watched last night is one of the best movies I have ever seen! It consisted of all of my favorite aspects including musical numbers. You may have guessed it, this was in fact a “Bollywood” film. If you are not familiar with the term, its basically refers to the film industry based in Mumbai India, and these films pretty much always include singing and dancing. There are only a few dance numbers in this film including a song called "Aal izz well" which we can't get out of our heads. 

This is a film about three young men who are studying to be engineers at one of the most prestigious engineering universities in India. It’s filled with beautiful scenes of India, it was a great mix of tragedy and tenderness, as well as laugh out loud humor. I found myself angry at the villainy, then touched at the transformation that took place in some of the characters and even a little bit surprised at some of the subtle plot twists.

I really cannot recommend this movie enough. Curtis and I have been talking about it all day. We watched an hour long of behind the scenes and extras last night after finishing the film. (if you know Curtis, you know that this NEVER HAPPENS!) I hardly want to give it back to our friends who lent it to us, so that I can watch it again. If you have the chance, you should really try to get your hands on a copy of this film and please do let me know if you enjoy it :) 

Welcome to Happy Thoughts with Katina

Hey everyone! A few changes and here's why:

Growing up I never wanted to grow up. I wanted to be just like Peter Pan, I thought Wendy was crazy for leaving him. I always pretended that I was Wendy, but that I stayed back in Never Never Land with Peter Pan. Not much has changed since then. True story.

So I really feel that this title fits me. I also have know for a long time that this was more of a personal blog written from my perspective. This became much more than a way to update people back home long ago and I want it to be defined differently because of that.

It has become a way of expressing myself, processing my thoughts and feelings and hopefully inspiring some people along the way. I have been a lot more open about what is going on in my life lately and really felt that the theme of this blog had been going in this direction for some time.

I am hoping to make this blog a little bit more public because I am not worried about hiding anymore and I want to be able to encourage other women who are facing what I have been facing these past three years.

Infertility can be highly shame related and although that seems completely natural and obvious for me to say, it's not so obvious for those who haven't experienced it. It's just not talked about very much and since I am being open about it, I'm not afraid anymore. I do still feel shame at times. But I want to be a light to other women who battle with the same and hopefully inspire others of you while I'm at it.

I'm mainly focused on sharing life's joys with you as I wrote about in the new ABOUT section of this blog. Visit that page to find out more about what the focus of this blog will really be. Join me on this journey of beauty and pain.

Movements

As I have established in past posts. Life is not always easy. Also as stated in one of my favorite films "While you were sleeping" Life does not always goes as planned. But music can be a source of inspiration in those times. 

My brother gifted me an album by Rend Collective Experiment through iTunes around Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped listening to it! I barely ever want to listen to Christmas music, which is a pretty big thing for me, because I am so obsessed with this album. 

My very favorite song on the whole album spoke to me so loudly when I first heard it and still every time I listen it makes me feel so strong. Like with Him I can do anything. I can fight through all the difficulties and frustrations I face. Even when 7 days late, hope is soaring, then in an instant, dreams crushed. That was the worst, or the most 'real' it's ever been. Just this last time. We really thought this was 'it.' I'm taking hormones, they must have worked... But no. I read later that the hormones I was taking can make you late. That would have been good to know before.

All of this and I leave to go swimming. Hoping to drown my sorrows in the pool. Cold, sunny morning bus ride, headphones on, a banjo plays and then,

"I wanna soar with You

Upon wings like eagles

But I'll crawl with You too

When the dark and lonely questions come"

This is a dark and lonely question if I have ever known one. That is the best way I have ever heard it described actually. Anyone who has experienced this knows, it's dark, sometimes sucking the color from everything in life. It's lonely when everyone around you is moving on in life and you are stuck in the same stage for no good reason. At least as far as you know... the WHY? comes oh so easily. It rolls off in tears and gut wrenching sobs. No relief. till... 

Finally, you put your trust in Him. You resign yourself to the fact that He is in control. That He is trustworthy and good. That you will stand with Him and hold tight until you come out of this. Even if you NEVER come out of it. That is when the peace comes. The peace that you never knew was possible. 

I keep listening. I feel stronger with each verse:

"I wanna stand true

No matter what's new or comes through

I can’t stand still

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm feeling alive. I am feeling the fight rise up inside of me like never before:

"I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me

I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be

Come move in me

Where I wanna be, come move in me"

I feel the waves beating against me, but I'm paddling hard to keep myself going to Him: 

"I wanna float with you

The currents driving me

But I'll paddle hard too 

When the waves and rapids overcome"

My emotions are higher than ever, I really thought this was it, but I TRUST you... 

"I wanna stand firm

When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm

I must stand true

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm His completely. Nothing can drive me away. 

"I won't walk away, won't walk away"

Those words run over and over in my mind, into my soul. "I won't walk away." No I won't, I really won't. I trust Him. I trust Him. I couldn't say that, even just a few months ago I didn't trust him like I do now. I feel the fight rising up and I will keep going. I don't know what He has for us, but I know it's good. He hasn't failed me yet. He is Fa!thful and good.  Sometimes I will wrestle a bit with what He has for me, but I will keep making movements to Him Even when the dark and lonely questions come and that will have me soaring higher than ever before. 

Knowing you...

For the first time in our four years here, this being our fifth Holiday Season, we invited our local friends to our home to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. We made turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and all the fixings of a good Thanksgiving feast. But that is not really what made it special. We went around a said what we were thankful for as most Americans do on this Holiday, but this year what I had to be thankful for was very different and unexpected for most of our friends. 

The past three years at Thanksgiving, I have tried to focus on other things to be grateful for and look past the most obvious struggle that I am going through in order to do that. But this year that was the very source of my Thanksgiving. I only realized it the morning before our first Thanksgiving celebration that I had come to a point of surrender that I never had reached in these past three years. 

As we began to sing the words to a song that I have sung many times, I was filled with the overwhelming reality of this truth. ..

“Knowing you, 

Gsus, 

knowing you, 

there is no greater thing.” 

The truth of those words reverberated in my being like never before and I knew that was exactly what he wanted me to share with our friends and I was pretty sure with the world, now and always. 

In these past three years life has been filled with so much disappointment and hopelessness at times. I have no more reason to hope now than I ever did during these years. But I do have hope. I have hope in the everlasting joy of knowing my Sav!our. His love is that good. I have walked with him for several years, but have never had the opportunity to experience intimacy with Him in the way that I have recently.

He has taught me that in the midst of hardship I can either choose to draw closer to him than ever before or allow that hardship to harden me and separate me from him. I have allowed it to separate me from him and I’m not saying that I won’t do that in the future if this continues. But right now I am choosing to let this draw me closer to him. To rely on him fully as the giver of all gifts. 

So I'll leave you with the words of this song, to meditate on. To remind you of this precious gift, the gift of a truly intimate creator who wants nothing more than to know and be known by his children. 

"All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres and wars to own

All I once thought gain I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Gsus, knowing You

There is no greater thing

You're my all, You're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

And I love You L0rd

Now my heart's desire is to know You more

To be found in You and know as Yours

To possess by fa!th what I could not earn

All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your r!sen life

And to know You in Your sufferings

To become like You in Your death, my L0rd

So with You to live and never die"

Goals are hard

So I know that I just wrote a post about daring to dream that sounded oh so inspirational, but then reality hit me! This weekend I was too lazy for my dreams. I ate lots of fattening foods, I didn’t practice guitar 3x a day and the thought of learning Kazakh was very far from my mind. 

I am not saying that treats are not okay and rest is not okay. Those things are great in moderation, but this was not a weekend of moderation. It was way beyond that. I felt like I had failed on all my goals and I just wanted to give up. 

When I told Curtis, he said something interesting, but so true. I have heard it before, but this time it really hit home...

I told him that I felt like I was failing at all my dreams and he said that usually when we dream we feel like giving up, that is what makes it a dream. The amount of times that all you want to do is give up, but you keep on going, is what separates the ordinary goals from extraordinary ones. There will always be times of wanting to give up when you are doing something worthwhile, something worth fighting for. That is where the fight comes in. 

Its also not always about how you feel. If you just keep pushing through the times when you don’t feel like it, you will eventually get to point of accomplishing your goal. I think most dreams and big goals are like that. the are achieved gradually. So gradually that one day you wake up and realize that you have basically achieved your goal. Like with weight loss. I knew that, but its so much harder when you are going through the motions. You just feel like nothing is changing, until one day you look in the mirror or see a picture of yourself and you realize that you have in fact changed a lot! 

I definitely believe in treating myself, but I think that much of the time when we treat ourselves, if we do it too much, we are actually cheating ourselves of our potential to achieve great things. We get into an entitlement attitude of deserving or needing rest and we end up cheating ourselves of the really great things in life. 

These new dreams have shown me that. So now when I think about just sitting and relaxing before playing guitar or skipping one of my 3x, I remember that if I do I am just cheating myself of the accomplishment and joy that playing the guitar will be someday. 

I’m excited about this new hobby and I hope that someday I will enjoy it so much that I will have to pull myself away from it to achieve other things. But for now I am gonna keep on fighting for the things that I know will feed my sp!r!t and have me soaring to new heights.