First Week!

I have successfully completed my first full week as a stay at home mom! I was so scared of it, but it went amazingly well! Once I started relaxing and just going with the rhythm of my baby, it was so wonderful. I feel like I have fallen more in love with her this week and more in love with my new role. I have fully embraced this season of life and am so excited about what it continues to bring.

On Wednesday I wasn't totally feeling this way. Baby girl woke up at 7:30, when she usually wakes up at 8:30 or 9:00 and she just didn't want to nap, until she finally did at 11:00, relieved, I started a slow cooker meal. 15 minutes later she woke up very fussy and then since she wouldn't let me put her down without fussing after that, frustrated as I was, I carried her around in the boba until I was finished.

After that I tried to feed her again and get her down, but she just wasn't having it. I continued to just go with it. I wasn't doing it gracefully, I must admit. By almost 1:00 I decided to turn on a baby Mozart channel that Curtis found on youtube the night before, it had seemed to calm her then, so I gave it a try. Worked like a CHARM! She was in a daze, but still not falling asleep. She needed the finishing touch. Like the "good mom" that I am, I know she doesn't stay asleep long in her crib and I wanted her to get a good long nap. I knew the ONLY surefire way was her car seat. After two minutes of rocking she was asleep and stayed asleep for an hour and a half!

After that I had a good friend come over for lunch and we had a great talk about how being a mom is all about going with your intuition. What is right for your baby. It was so refreshing and really nice to just chat with a friend and hang out while she slept like a rock!

That was a turning point in my week. I finished that day feeling confident and excited about how much I accomplished despite "my plans" getting a little bit shaken up. I realized and continue to realize that with a baby, you can't always expect to get YOUR way.

Lastly, I read something really valuable this week that I want to be at the forefront of my parenting arsenal. That if something your child does is an inconvenience to you, it doesn't mean that what they did was wrong. You must always evaluate if you are doing what is best for them and not just acting out of response to them inconveniencing you. I don't ever want to forget that. I want to strive to do what is best for her and if that takes some discipline on my part I will do it, but if it means some sacrificing of my expectations I also want to be willing to do that!

A year ago today

I started writing this post yesterday, but was not able to finish it. So I'm finishing it today and still looking back with just as much sentiment on the day that this happened...

January 13th, 2014

One year ago today I stared down in awe at two little red lines. Was it really finally happening to me?! Was I going to have a baby for real?! I had never seen those lines before. Three years of one red line. I didn't even want to take the test even though I was two weeks late. The thought of another disappointment killed me. So I just convinced myself that it would be negative. I did a good job convincing Curtis too because for the first time he didn't wake up and wonder what the result would be while I took the test.

That was the day that I started this amazing journey. Of course it was different once she was actually born, but the worrying started right away. I wondered if my body would actually accept a pregnancy or if this would just be the beginning of more disappointment. 

Looking back, I really wish I wouldn't have worried so much. To think that God would take this precious gift away from me. He kept reminding me of a scripture that a friend shared with me at the very beginning of my journey with infertility.

"The LORD of hosts has sworn: 

“As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."

Isaiah 14:24

The disappointment that I encountered before getting pregnant and seeing others around me lose what was theirs kept me from trusting Him. Sometimes I just look around at all the hurt in the world and wonder "how could I not worry?" And clearly, there are disappointments and there are times when He allows things to happen. But the fa!thfulness that he has shown in my life lately, leads me to believe that the wisest thing to do is just trust him no matter what. 

There will be hurt and loss and difficulty. Every day there is a letting go of some sort with babies. They change so much and are always challenging us to be less self absorbed. This of course is a beautiful part of life and can't be compared with other losses that we face. Everything in life can be a teacher if we let it. 

I guess if I came away with one thing this past year, it would be to Trust Him in all circumstances. Because the outcome can only be peace and his perfect peace is exactly what we need, especially in the midst of a storm. 

Find the blessing in everything

The past few days have been rough.

My baby has been screaming a lot.
But praise God that she is healthy and has the strength to scream, even when I just want to cry. 

I could look back at the past few days and choose to see a lot of negative, but instead I look back and I see good things. I see a four month old who has been crying for unanswered reasons, but yet she has a smile that melts my heart and despite what she is going through, she smiles more than ever before. 

I see moments where she falls asleep in my arms while the snow gently falls outside. I see strong arms holding up her head and chest while she does tummy time. 

I see a warm cozy apartment, coffee in the mornings and delicious meals at night. 

I see a husband who loves his baby girl, plays with her daily and takes her on walks to give her mama time to do the things she would like to do. 

I see people who love her all around her even though she is thousands of miles away from her loving grandparents, aunts and uncles. People who are just thrilled to have her in their lives and totally aware of what a miracle her little life is! 

And just one short year ago I would have given so much to have all of that, difficulties included, and just like that it is mine. 

New Year, Naked Baby...

I'm sitting in my living room with my naked baby rolling around happily making noises on the floor. It's amazing to think that one short year ago I was pregnant with her, the size of a lentil, and I had absolutely no idea. Now here she is rolling around. Chubby little legs, perfect soft skin, long beautiful fingers, full lips. I love every bit of her! 

So I really want to write more on my blog, even if it is only a few short sentences every few days. Mostly because it inspires me and these days I'm a little short on inspiration...

I know this baby should give me all kinds of amazing inspiration, but I think most moms would agree, staying home with a baby all day makes you feel kind of brain dead sometimes. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. I knew that being a mom would be hard. Even when it frustrated me to hear my friends talk about it being hard, I definitely imagined it to be difficult. And, well, it is! 

But the rewards far outweigh the difficulty of it. In fact, I have told Curtis several times that I didn't really know how badly I wanted a baby the three years that I couldn't have one, because it's so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined! 

Right now the rewards are her huge smile when I lean down to look at her while she is playing and even sometimes in the middle of the night when she should be eating, but all she wants to do is coo and smile at me. I can't help but just smile back, so very in love with this precious girl! The other major reward right now is holding her when she sleeps. Sometimes I just look at that beautiful face of hers and can't help but cry. It can be oh so overwhelming. 

Anyhow, I can't promise you that I will write a lot, or even that I will write about anything else besides my daughter or being a mom. I would like to continue to think of more interesting things to write about. Things that will inspire others as well as myself. But for now, this is all I have in me and it's a step in the right direction for me.

So, here is to hoping that you will hear from me soon!

Those who can't DO, teach...

Or so they say! I believe that this is true. But hear me out, please!

When we teach someone something, we are really teaching ourselves. I found this out when I taught a high school photography class with very little training myself. I learned so much more from teaching that class than I ever did as a student! In many ways it enabled me to DO. This isn't always the case, but for ME, it usually is.

I was talking to Curtis about my blog the other day and saying that before I write about being thankful all the time, I need to start being thankful all the time and practicing what I preach. He reminded me that it actually usually works the other way around. Not always, but often times for me, this IS the case.

When I challenge others to do something and get into the practice of trying to inspire others, I often inspire myself in the process and it can be a beautiful thing. Have you ever experienced this? You are challenged to lead a study group and you end up getting way more out of it than the people that you are teaching.

The past few weeks with a new baby have been hard. She is the most beautiful gift I have ever received, yet it is very difficult to figure out what she needs sometimes and to be certain that what I am giving her is the right thing, usually it has to do with feeding.

But if I take a step back and remember where I was at just a year ago. Three years into the infertility journey, wondering if I would ever have the privilege of mothering a baby, let alone, birthing our baby girl! I had no idea! When I remember that, it is amazing the peace that settles over me. Often this happens when she is finally sleeping and I actually have a moment of peace to reflect.. But HEY! It happens and the more I practice it, the more it will happen.

In the past I set the bar high on challenges to be grateful, but this time I am bringing it back to the basics. 10 things every day. That's all, 10 simple every day things that I am grateful for. I have a cute little notepad to write them in and I'm starting over.

If you're with me, that's great, if not, that's okay too. I just need this so bad right now. The reminder that everyday there are things to be grateful for, I just need to keep my eyes open to them. It's not wrong to struggle through the tough stuff, but it's so helpful to remind myself through it all that there is so much beauty in life.