Nesting?

Our couch that we finally got covered!

A few weeks ago, when I finished work, I went into full nesting mode. Then I realized that we're leaving... I did accomplish a lot during that time, but some of the things that were on my list I realized I shouldn't bother doing till we get back.  I started to realize that we will still return to a home somewhat in shambles.

It's a strange thing. You want things to be perfect for your little girl when she comes home for the first time. But the reality is that's not possible. First of all, her first home, will not be this home. Secondly, when we do get back we're going to have suitcases with lots of things to put away as well as many things stored in closets and cupboards since we have friends renting our apartment while we are away. And of course we will need to decorate for Christmas since we are coming home in December ;)

Storage Cabinets we had installed in the hallway
between bedrooms to make room for baby girl

Nesting is such a natural thing for me. Feeling settled in my "home" is so important to me. But right now I don't feel settled at all. But I don't feel like I am missing out on anything either. I'm thankful that I will be with my mom and dad after the baby is born and that we will have a nice room and my parents will be there to help.

I could focus on the negative. There are a lot of difficult things about the life that Papa has called us to. It changes the whole idea of nesting for us and what it will mean to bring a child into this world and many other things. But I am so happy with this road. It's not always easy and joy is often a choice that I must make.

Baby Girl's future room

But when I look at how truly blessed I am, it's really not that difficult. I could honestly think of a whole list of things to be happy about, including spending time with all of my siblings and their families in the beautiful places that they live. So much has really worked out well with our plans for coming home this summer, and a lot of it has to do with timing.

I can't wait to spend time with my sisters and many other friends and family members without a long list of things to do. Because I will have plenty of time in Arizona with my mom to get things done. That is one huge thing that will make this summer different than other times I have gone back to the states. Plus my mom is always up for a shopping trip and hopefully lots of trips to the pool ;)

Future changing center

It always seems to come back to where my focus is. My focus right now is on how well my Papa knows me and how he has poured an abundance of good gifts on me. 

Surrender

It was sometime in September or October that I met with a good friend of mine and she told me a story similar to other stories I had heard. It was about a woman who had been infertile for some time and when she finally surrendered to Papa's will, she became pregnant.

It honestly didn't strike me much since I had heard stories like it before and I felt like there were times that I had surrendered to him completely and then just let go again because it hurt too bad. But if I am honest, those times were nothing like what ensued. And when I look back at my blog entries from that time (here, here and here), I really see that He was doing something completely different in my heart this time. 

Not long after this conversation I had a dream that I am pretty sure I thought was a direct result of the conversation. I didn't write about it at the time because I didn't really want to read into it, but I remember it clearly. I don't hear G*d speak often or maybe ever in my dreams, but I am sure it was him this time. 

I was under a beautiful shady tree on a small hill, and I heard very clearly 'if you surrender, you will get pregnant.' There was no irony in what was said at all. It was pretty clear. But I really didn't want it to cause me to have false hope. 

What it did do was make me reconsider the idea of surrender. Maybe I hadn't ever really surrendered to the point that he wanted me to? 

I don't remember exactly how it played out after that dream, cause to be honest, I can't remember exactly when it was, I just remember it was sometime this fall. 

All I know is that I asked G*d to help me understand what real surrender looked like if that was what he wanted me to do. And I guess that is what he did. And you were all witnesses of that with what I wrote here. I had no idea what was coming, but what happened in my life right before this was different than anything that happened during the three years before. 

I'm truly amazed to be sitting here typing this. 26 weeks pregnant. Waiting to go back to the states and celebrate with so many of the people that I love the most. I am beyond excited and completely blown away. I don't know why he chose something so amazing for me, but I am truly, truly grateful! 

Lessons from "A Christmas Story"

I know it's may and Christmas is long over, but bear with me on this one. I promise it's good!

As I was sitting and talking to Papa the other day about the journey that I have been on the past three years, I started to realize that there was a lot more to share than what I already have. I started to read my journals and also remember some of what happened in the months before I was pregnant.

I will share the following journal entry, almost exactly as it was written in my journal. I wrote this on December 27th, 2013. According to calculations, I got pregnant somewhere between Christmas and New Years. 

I think most of you know the American Christmas Classic known as "A Christmas Story," if not, either you are not from America or you are a lot younger than me or you missed out on a vital part of the American experience... I wrote this after watching it with Curtis on Christmas day. 

"There is a scene in this movie that I've watched many times before and never really thought much of, but when I watched it this time, it struck a chord and brought me to tears. 

The scene is Christmas morning. The boys have just opened a heap of wonderful gifts and Ralphie sits peacefully with his parents. He didn't get the very thing that he had longed for, hinted at, pined over that season but yet he still has a surprising peace about him. His dad asks him if he got everything he wanted for Christmas and he says 'almost.' 

Then the dad says 'Wait a minute! What's over there in the corner?' Ralphie turns and then he sees it, it had been sitting there all along. He runs over to see a package resembling exactly the gift that he had asked for! 

Then it strikes me. The delight on the father's face when he opened the gift. He waited till the very last minute to give him what he wanted, but he was filled with joy and delight as he watched his son open this gift. He probably even experienced a great deal more joy than even Ralphie did. 

This very obviously flawed earthly father, who seems almost villainous at times during the movie does something so beautiful. He simply delights in giving his child exactly what he wanted. It made me think, doesn't our Father in heaven do the same. But sometimes he waits, he gives us many other good gifts first and sometimes what he gives us isn't exactly what we asked for, but it's always what's best and he always, always, always takes delight in seeing us unwrap them!"

I had no idea that he would soon form in my body the very gift that I had been begging him for. In all honestly I did feel that something good was coming. I really wanted to believe that we would have a child by next Christmas as we had asked of Him so many times this season. But I was afraid to hope. And the hope that I did have was for adoption. I really never expected that in less than a month I would be holding a positive pregnancy test and in less than six months I would be reflecting on this in such a way. 

There isn't much more to say. He gives good gifts. I am so undeserving of this beautiful gift. The kicks, the life I feel blooming inside of me is priceless and a feeling I was not sure would ever be mine. What a precious precious gift it is indeed. 

The icing on the cake! I really really wanted a girl!

THE Story

After three years of asking for a child, we found out that for the first time we were pregnant on January 13th. Since then I have been pretty sick and barely find times when I feel good enough to fulfill my day to day responsibilities, let alone blog about what happened! 

So I want to share our story with you, at least just the part about finding out we were pregnant. Not the whole three years before… 

Since September I had been taking Hormones. The Doctor didn’t really know if they would work because as far as the doctor’s were concerned there was nothing in either one of us that could be pinpointed as the reason for why we were not getting pregnant. The doctor also told us we could only take them for four months. What they didn’t tell us at first was that these hormones could cause my cycles to be irregular. We found that out the hard way in December, after being convinced that “THIS WAS IT.” We were more than let down when my period came 7 days late. 

That seemed like a breaking point for us. Even though we knew we had one more month of the medication, we were not convinced that it was going to make a difference. We started asking Papa about In Vitro. Was it the right option for us? We have always wanted to adopt, but we had already looked into International Adoption and that was not possible for us for several reasons having to do with our life overseas. We had never really looked into Domestic adoption, but really thought it was almost impossible unless we moved back to the states long term.

But the more we asked, the more we felt Papa challenging us to seek out this option. So we gave it over to him. We surrendered the life we love to him and just agreed that we would do whatever it took to get a child through adoption if he didn’t give us one naturally, which we honestly didn't even consider as a possibility at this point… It was a painful letting go process. 

We really started to consider and talk about what life would look like back in the states. It seemed depressing to leave everything from the past five years, leaving our work would be a challenge, but mostly the thought of leaving the relationships behind was excruciatingly painful . 

I remember Sunday January 12th well. I was 9 days late and we were both convinced that the hormones were once again effecting my cycle. I might have had a few passing thoughts of pregnancy but shooed them away with the reality that these hormones did it last month and from what I read it progresses more and more the longer you take them. 

But since I was a whole 9 days late I figured that I should take a test to just completely get the thought out of my mind for good. To know for sure and then just wait for my period to start in peace. Boy was I in for a surprise the next day.

I woke up groggy the next morning at 6:30am as usual. Knowing that I needed to take the pregnancy test right away, but not really feeling like it was going to be positive, although I had just dreamt twice that I had positive pregnancy tests, and to be honest that had only happened once or twice before, in the very beginning. I didn’t really take the dreams as anything…

I took the test and within seconds I was wide awake! Usually it takes a moment for the first line to appear, but it seemed almost immediate that both lines were bright red!! 

I screamed and ran into the bedroom! “Curtis it’s positive!!” I was amazed! He was so confused! He had completely forgotten I was taking a test! He usually wakes up if I’m gonna take one and worries about it. This time he slept soundly because we were both convinced that it was going to be negative. I cannot stress enough how convinced we were of that! 

So what ensued was an amazing moment with tears and kisses and hugs and disbelief! Unbelievably Curtis fell back asleep, but all I could do was praise God! I was in a daze most of the day. My head was in the clouds. 

The next day the worry started to set in, and thus it began. The journey of parenthood. I know that I don't have a baby yet. But it began that day, with the knowledge of this little life inside of me. I was no longer responsible for only myself. I couldn't be more afraid or excited of what lies ahead.

Start Each Day with a Grateful Heart

I saw this quote on pinterest a few days ago.

http://www.shopdandynow.com/products/start-each-day-with-a-grateful-heart-gold-foil-poster-print

It got me thinking, what helps me start my days with a grateful heart? Not that I always do, but I feel that a good percentage of the days I do more than I used to, because I am intentional about being thankful. So I put this list together of some helpful hints on how to start your day with a grateful heart. Hope it helps or at least inspires you a little bit :) 

Surround yourself with Happy thoughts 

Strategically place posters and photos in places that you will see every morning to remind you that life is good and you have things worth being grateful for. You can purchase the print pictured above here.

Give yourself a few extra minutes to take in the day 
This takes a little planning, but it’s worth it. Don’t just get up and go through your routine and fly out the door. Give yourself an extra ten to fifteen minutes to sit and drink coffee, look out the window (if the sun is out… ) and thank God for the wonderful day he has planned for you. This could very well be the best day of your life! 

Smile 
Seriously. It’s not that hard, but we don’t naturally do it in the morning and it’s scientifically proven that smiling can actually boost your mood. Don’t believe me? Read about it here. 

Think of one good thing that happened the day before 

This can help especially if it’s related to work or wherever it is that you are going after getting ready. It will motivate you as you prepare to go to work if you think of something nice that happened the day before. It won’t always be about work, but it’s nice if you can remember positive things about your job and why you can be grateful for it, even if it’s just the people who you work with :) 

Listen to upbeat music while you get ready
I usually have a more difficult time feeling awake in the morning, especially in the winter months, when I don’t listen to upbeat music. Apart from waking me up, as long as I listen to the right music, it helps me to focus on good things and really sets a good mood for my morning. I usually try to listen to worship music, to remind me to set my eyes on things above. 

And, a little bonus for those of you who are married… 


20 second Morning Hug
I have a confession to make... My husband and I have this little tradition. It might sound lame, but it is wonderful and if we don’t do it, it can effect our whole day, in a negative way. We even yell out “morning hug” every day while we stand in our living room and hug for 20 seconds. So there. It’s out, we are dorks, but happy ones. This is a really nice boost in the morning, it’s comforting and it’s good for your relationship. Just try a morning hug and see how it can revolutionize your life!