Movements

As I have established in past posts. Life is not always easy. Also as stated in one of my favorite films "While you were sleeping" Life does not always goes as planned. But music can be a source of inspiration in those times. 

My brother gifted me an album by Rend Collective Experiment through iTunes around Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped listening to it! I barely ever want to listen to Christmas music, which is a pretty big thing for me, because I am so obsessed with this album. 

My very favorite song on the whole album spoke to me so loudly when I first heard it and still every time I listen it makes me feel so strong. Like with Him I can do anything. I can fight through all the difficulties and frustrations I face. Even when 7 days late, hope is soaring, then in an instant, dreams crushed. That was the worst, or the most 'real' it's ever been. Just this last time. We really thought this was 'it.' I'm taking hormones, they must have worked... But no. I read later that the hormones I was taking can make you late. That would have been good to know before.

All of this and I leave to go swimming. Hoping to drown my sorrows in the pool. Cold, sunny morning bus ride, headphones on, a banjo plays and then,

"I wanna soar with You

Upon wings like eagles

But I'll crawl with You too

When the dark and lonely questions come"

This is a dark and lonely question if I have ever known one. That is the best way I have ever heard it described actually. Anyone who has experienced this knows, it's dark, sometimes sucking the color from everything in life. It's lonely when everyone around you is moving on in life and you are stuck in the same stage for no good reason. At least as far as you know... the WHY? comes oh so easily. It rolls off in tears and gut wrenching sobs. No relief. till... 

Finally, you put your trust in Him. You resign yourself to the fact that He is in control. That He is trustworthy and good. That you will stand with Him and hold tight until you come out of this. Even if you NEVER come out of it. That is when the peace comes. The peace that you never knew was possible. 

I keep listening. I feel stronger with each verse:

"I wanna stand true

No matter what's new or comes through

I can’t stand still

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm feeling alive. I am feeling the fight rise up inside of me like never before:

"I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me

I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be

Come move in me

Where I wanna be, come move in me"

I feel the waves beating against me, but I'm paddling hard to keep myself going to Him: 

"I wanna float with you

The currents driving me

But I'll paddle hard too 

When the waves and rapids overcome"

My emotions are higher than ever, I really thought this was it, but I TRUST you... 

"I wanna stand firm

When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm

I must stand true

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm His completely. Nothing can drive me away. 

"I won't walk away, won't walk away"

Those words run over and over in my mind, into my soul. "I won't walk away." No I won't, I really won't. I trust Him. I trust Him. I couldn't say that, even just a few months ago I didn't trust him like I do now. I feel the fight rising up and I will keep going. I don't know what He has for us, but I know it's good. He hasn't failed me yet. He is Fa!thful and good.  Sometimes I will wrestle a bit with what He has for me, but I will keep making movements to Him Even when the dark and lonely questions come and that will have me soaring higher than ever before.