Nesting?

Our couch that we finally got covered!

A few weeks ago, when I finished work, I went into full nesting mode. Then I realized that we're leaving... I did accomplish a lot during that time, but some of the things that were on my list I realized I shouldn't bother doing till we get back.  I started to realize that we will still return to a home somewhat in shambles.

It's a strange thing. You want things to be perfect for your little girl when she comes home for the first time. But the reality is that's not possible. First of all, her first home, will not be this home. Secondly, when we do get back we're going to have suitcases with lots of things to put away as well as many things stored in closets and cupboards since we have friends renting our apartment while we are away. And of course we will need to decorate for Christmas since we are coming home in December ;)

Storage Cabinets we had installed in the hallway
between bedrooms to make room for baby girl

Nesting is such a natural thing for me. Feeling settled in my "home" is so important to me. But right now I don't feel settled at all. But I don't feel like I am missing out on anything either. I'm thankful that I will be with my mom and dad after the baby is born and that we will have a nice room and my parents will be there to help.

I could focus on the negative. There are a lot of difficult things about the life that Papa has called us to. It changes the whole idea of nesting for us and what it will mean to bring a child into this world and many other things. But I am so happy with this road. It's not always easy and joy is often a choice that I must make.

Baby Girl's future room

But when I look at how truly blessed I am, it's really not that difficult. I could honestly think of a whole list of things to be happy about, including spending time with all of my siblings and their families in the beautiful places that they live. So much has really worked out well with our plans for coming home this summer, and a lot of it has to do with timing.

I can't wait to spend time with my sisters and many other friends and family members without a long list of things to do. Because I will have plenty of time in Arizona with my mom to get things done. That is one huge thing that will make this summer different than other times I have gone back to the states. Plus my mom is always up for a shopping trip and hopefully lots of trips to the pool ;)

Future changing center

It always seems to come back to where my focus is. My focus right now is on how well my Papa knows me and how he has poured an abundance of good gifts on me. 

Surrender

It was sometime in September or October that I met with a good friend of mine and she told me a story similar to other stories I had heard. It was about a woman who had been infertile for some time and when she finally surrendered to Papa's will, she became pregnant.

It honestly didn't strike me much since I had heard stories like it before and I felt like there were times that I had surrendered to him completely and then just let go again because it hurt too bad. But if I am honest, those times were nothing like what ensued. And when I look back at my blog entries from that time (here, here and here), I really see that He was doing something completely different in my heart this time. 

Not long after this conversation I had a dream that I am pretty sure I thought was a direct result of the conversation. I didn't write about it at the time because I didn't really want to read into it, but I remember it clearly. I don't hear G*d speak often or maybe ever in my dreams, but I am sure it was him this time. 

I was under a beautiful shady tree on a small hill, and I heard very clearly 'if you surrender, you will get pregnant.' There was no irony in what was said at all. It was pretty clear. But I really didn't want it to cause me to have false hope. 

What it did do was make me reconsider the idea of surrender. Maybe I hadn't ever really surrendered to the point that he wanted me to? 

I don't remember exactly how it played out after that dream, cause to be honest, I can't remember exactly when it was, I just remember it was sometime this fall. 

All I know is that I asked G*d to help me understand what real surrender looked like if that was what he wanted me to do. And I guess that is what he did. And you were all witnesses of that with what I wrote here. I had no idea what was coming, but what happened in my life right before this was different than anything that happened during the three years before. 

I'm truly amazed to be sitting here typing this. 26 weeks pregnant. Waiting to go back to the states and celebrate with so many of the people that I love the most. I am beyond excited and completely blown away. I don't know why he chose something so amazing for me, but I am truly, truly grateful!