It honestly didn't strike me much since I had heard stories like it before and I felt like there were times that I had surrendered to him completely and then just let go again because it hurt too bad. But if I am honest, those times were nothing like what ensued. And when I look back at my blog entries from that time (here, here and here), I really see that He was doing something completely different in my heart this time.
Not long after this conversation I had a dream that I am pretty sure I thought was a direct result of the conversation. I didn't write about it at the time because I didn't really want to read into it, but I remember it clearly. I don't hear G*d speak often or maybe ever in my dreams, but I am sure it was him this time.
I was under a beautiful shady tree on a small hill, and I heard very clearly 'if you surrender, you will get pregnant.' There was no irony in what was said at all. It was pretty clear. But I really didn't want it to cause me to have false hope.
What it did do was make me reconsider the idea of surrender. Maybe I hadn't ever really surrendered to the point that he wanted me to?
I don't remember exactly how it played out after that dream, cause to be honest, I can't remember exactly when it was, I just remember it was sometime this fall.
All I know is that I asked G*d to help me understand what real surrender looked like if that was what he wanted me to do. And I guess that is what he did. And you were all witnesses of that with what I wrote here. I had no idea what was coming, but what happened in my life right before this was different than anything that happened during the three years before.
I'm truly amazed to be sitting here typing this. 26 weeks pregnant. Waiting to go back to the states and celebrate with so many of the people that I love the most. I am beyond excited and completely blown away. I don't know why he chose something so amazing for me, but I am truly, truly grateful!
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