Movements

As I have established in past posts. Life is not always easy. Also as stated in one of my favorite films "While you were sleeping" Life does not always goes as planned. But music can be a source of inspiration in those times. 

My brother gifted me an album by Rend Collective Experiment through iTunes around Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped listening to it! I barely ever want to listen to Christmas music, which is a pretty big thing for me, because I am so obsessed with this album. 

My very favorite song on the whole album spoke to me so loudly when I first heard it and still every time I listen it makes me feel so strong. Like with Him I can do anything. I can fight through all the difficulties and frustrations I face. Even when 7 days late, hope is soaring, then in an instant, dreams crushed. That was the worst, or the most 'real' it's ever been. Just this last time. We really thought this was 'it.' I'm taking hormones, they must have worked... But no. I read later that the hormones I was taking can make you late. That would have been good to know before.

All of this and I leave to go swimming. Hoping to drown my sorrows in the pool. Cold, sunny morning bus ride, headphones on, a banjo plays and then,

"I wanna soar with You

Upon wings like eagles

But I'll crawl with You too

When the dark and lonely questions come"

This is a dark and lonely question if I have ever known one. That is the best way I have ever heard it described actually. Anyone who has experienced this knows, it's dark, sometimes sucking the color from everything in life. It's lonely when everyone around you is moving on in life and you are stuck in the same stage for no good reason. At least as far as you know... the WHY? comes oh so easily. It rolls off in tears and gut wrenching sobs. No relief. till... 

Finally, you put your trust in Him. You resign yourself to the fact that He is in control. That He is trustworthy and good. That you will stand with Him and hold tight until you come out of this. Even if you NEVER come out of it. That is when the peace comes. The peace that you never knew was possible. 

I keep listening. I feel stronger with each verse:

"I wanna stand true

No matter what's new or comes through

I can’t stand still

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm feeling alive. I am feeling the fight rise up inside of me like never before:

"I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me

I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be

Come move in me

Where I wanna be, come move in me"

I feel the waves beating against me, but I'm paddling hard to keep myself going to Him: 

"I wanna float with you

The currents driving me

But I'll paddle hard too 

When the waves and rapids overcome"

My emotions are higher than ever, I really thought this was it, but I TRUST you... 

"I wanna stand firm

When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm

I must stand true

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm His completely. Nothing can drive me away. 

"I won't walk away, won't walk away"

Those words run over and over in my mind, into my soul. "I won't walk away." No I won't, I really won't. I trust Him. I trust Him. I couldn't say that, even just a few months ago I didn't trust him like I do now. I feel the fight rising up and I will keep going. I don't know what He has for us, but I know it's good. He hasn't failed me yet. He is Fa!thful and good.  Sometimes I will wrestle a bit with what He has for me, but I will keep making movements to Him Even when the dark and lonely questions come and that will have me soaring higher than ever before. 

Knowing you...

For the first time in our four years here, this being our fifth Holiday Season, we invited our local friends to our home to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. We made turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and all the fixings of a good Thanksgiving feast. But that is not really what made it special. We went around a said what we were thankful for as most Americans do on this Holiday, but this year what I had to be thankful for was very different and unexpected for most of our friends. 

The past three years at Thanksgiving, I have tried to focus on other things to be grateful for and look past the most obvious struggle that I am going through in order to do that. But this year that was the very source of my Thanksgiving. I only realized it the morning before our first Thanksgiving celebration that I had come to a point of surrender that I never had reached in these past three years. 

As we began to sing the words to a song that I have sung many times, I was filled with the overwhelming reality of this truth. ..

“Knowing you, 

Gsus, 

knowing you, 

there is no greater thing.” 

The truth of those words reverberated in my being like never before and I knew that was exactly what he wanted me to share with our friends and I was pretty sure with the world, now and always. 

In these past three years life has been filled with so much disappointment and hopelessness at times. I have no more reason to hope now than I ever did during these years. But I do have hope. I have hope in the everlasting joy of knowing my Sav!our. His love is that good. I have walked with him for several years, but have never had the opportunity to experience intimacy with Him in the way that I have recently.

He has taught me that in the midst of hardship I can either choose to draw closer to him than ever before or allow that hardship to harden me and separate me from him. I have allowed it to separate me from him and I’m not saying that I won’t do that in the future if this continues. But right now I am choosing to let this draw me closer to him. To rely on him fully as the giver of all gifts. 

So I'll leave you with the words of this song, to meditate on. To remind you of this precious gift, the gift of a truly intimate creator who wants nothing more than to know and be known by his children. 

"All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres and wars to own

All I once thought gain I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Gsus, knowing You

There is no greater thing

You're my all, You're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

And I love You L0rd

Now my heart's desire is to know You more

To be found in You and know as Yours

To possess by fa!th what I could not earn

All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your r!sen life

And to know You in Your sufferings

To become like You in Your death, my L0rd

So with You to live and never die"