No more hiding

I'm going through a hard time right now. Actually that is an understatement. It's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's so hard that I walked out of a group of people lifting their voices to the King the other day. I just couldn't bear to do anything but weep. Drown myself in my sorrows. I couldn't lift my voice to him, except in anguish. I have asked 'why?' way too many times to count at this point.

It sounds pretty dramatic. But to me it is. It's something that all women want in their life. Something natural that you just think when we're ready, we'll try and we'll get one. Three years later, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work that way for everyone.

I'm not sure what to even make of it sometimes. I didn't want people to know we were trying until we got to make one of those ever so popular baby announcements on Facebook, with a photo of an ultrasound or a positive pregnancy test or just something really catchy, cute or clever. Nowadays those kinds of posts just make me upset. I am sure if that day ever comes I will write something about it on Facebook, but I'm sure it will be different because of the journey.

So I'm not here to just complain about this or to open up about this three year journey that I feel like I have been hiding from the world. I really just wanted to write about how amazing the people I work with are, but I felt like I couldn't just tell everyone I am going through this terrible time and not be open about it what it actually was. But as I began to write,  I felt that the weight of this burden was falling off. The hiding is over, it has been killing me to hide this pain.

I don't want people to take pity on me or anything. I just need people to stand with me as I go through this. I think it's good to be open at this point. It's been a really long time and things may not change. We may NEVER have children and I have to be at PEACE with that and I have to stop feeling SHAME. I am not going to say it's okay or deny my feelings and I am NOT going to stop FIGHTING for it! But I cannot keep pretending, hiding all this pain from everyone and also just thinking 'people will know about it when it's over.' I really don't know WHEN it will be over. But that's OKAY. At least most of the time...

So I guess I am just saying please stand with us as we ask Papa to give us children. We have been asking for three long years and we are getting weary. I have very little hope that things will change soon. But I am trying to continue to trust my G*d because HE IS GOOD!

Now about the people I work with. Papa has placed me in the midst of such loving and understanding people. I walked out of the meeting close to tears and I have never done anything like that before, so many who saw knew that something was up. Some of them know what we are going through and others don't. All the same, they weren't inquisitive about what was wrong, they just hugged me and told me that it was all going to be okay, And it is. It really is.

Papa has blessed me with such a full life. I really couldn't imagine it any other way as I walk through this journey with all these amazing people beside me. Don't even get me started on what an amazing encouragement my husband is through this. We are standing together and fighting to keep our eyes focused on the one who loves us and gives his kids good gifts.