Happy Thought Mondays

Today I was lacking inspiration. I have been mulling over what to write about. I'm trying to be more consistent in updating my blog because I know it's good for me. So I decided to start a new tradition. Every Monday I will post something that inspires happy thoughts, whether it is just a quote, the lyrics to a song, a poem, anything that is basically encouraging and, well, promotes happy thoughts.

I guess my blog in it's entirety is meant to do that, but this will be something outside of my own experience that I can write about and hopefully I will stick to it, since life with a little one can be unpredictable. It may just get me on track with writing on my blog for the week.

So let's start simple, shall we? A quote which is really something I've been trying to live by for the past five years or so. I want it to continue to be something that defines my life. Not the only thing, but it surely does encompass a lot. 

So there it is, simple and sweet. The main way that I try to do this is by constantly focusing on what I am thankful for. I don't take pictures of things and post them on instagram to show off, neither do I post things here to show people that I have it all together and they don't. I do it to refocus myself on the good things that I have been given. I know, social networks can be dangerous because we tend to compare our lives with the highlight reels of others. My goal is not to have a better highlight reel, but to be better at focusing on my own highlight reel, the good things that I have; Not to compare it with what is good in the lives of others, but to rejoice with them when good things happen in their lives as well as to share when good things happen in mine.

This was especially hard when I was going through three years of infertility.  I found it difficult to rejoice with those who had children and I had to stay away from things about babies on social networks at some point when I realized that it was unhealthy for me to see, causing me to feel self pity. But during that time is when I really began to understand what this quote meant. I wanted so badly to have a baby and I am so thankful that I finally do, but I was trying to have an outlook that would help me to be thankful whether or not that desire was fulfilled. This mindset helped me get through those dark days.

I'm hoping that it can also bring light to the dark situations of others. Everyone has some sort of pain. Our journeys are different. But we can all learn from this simple truth. "The Secret of having it all is believing you already do." Yes, I believe I do.

A year ago today

I started writing this post yesterday, but was not able to finish it. So I'm finishing it today and still looking back with just as much sentiment on the day that this happened...

January 13th, 2014

One year ago today I stared down in awe at two little red lines. Was it really finally happening to me?! Was I going to have a baby for real?! I had never seen those lines before. Three years of one red line. I didn't even want to take the test even though I was two weeks late. The thought of another disappointment killed me. So I just convinced myself that it would be negative. I did a good job convincing Curtis too because for the first time he didn't wake up and wonder what the result would be while I took the test.

That was the day that I started this amazing journey. Of course it was different once she was actually born, but the worrying started right away. I wondered if my body would actually accept a pregnancy or if this would just be the beginning of more disappointment. 

Looking back, I really wish I wouldn't have worried so much. To think that God would take this precious gift away from me. He kept reminding me of a scripture that a friend shared with me at the very beginning of my journey with infertility.

"The LORD of hosts has sworn: 

“As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."

Isaiah 14:24

The disappointment that I encountered before getting pregnant and seeing others around me lose what was theirs kept me from trusting Him. Sometimes I just look around at all the hurt in the world and wonder "how could I not worry?" And clearly, there are disappointments and there are times when He allows things to happen. But the fa!thfulness that he has shown in my life lately, leads me to believe that the wisest thing to do is just trust him no matter what. 

There will be hurt and loss and difficulty. Every day there is a letting go of some sort with babies. They change so much and are always challenging us to be less self absorbed. This of course is a beautiful part of life and can't be compared with other losses that we face. Everything in life can be a teacher if we let it. 

I guess if I came away with one thing this past year, it would be to Trust Him in all circumstances. Because the outcome can only be peace and his perfect peace is exactly what we need, especially in the midst of a storm. 

Surrender

It was sometime in September or October that I met with a good friend of mine and she told me a story similar to other stories I had heard. It was about a woman who had been infertile for some time and when she finally surrendered to Papa's will, she became pregnant.

It honestly didn't strike me much since I had heard stories like it before and I felt like there were times that I had surrendered to him completely and then just let go again because it hurt too bad. But if I am honest, those times were nothing like what ensued. And when I look back at my blog entries from that time (here, here and here), I really see that He was doing something completely different in my heart this time. 

Not long after this conversation I had a dream that I am pretty sure I thought was a direct result of the conversation. I didn't write about it at the time because I didn't really want to read into it, but I remember it clearly. I don't hear G*d speak often or maybe ever in my dreams, but I am sure it was him this time. 

I was under a beautiful shady tree on a small hill, and I heard very clearly 'if you surrender, you will get pregnant.' There was no irony in what was said at all. It was pretty clear. But I really didn't want it to cause me to have false hope. 

What it did do was make me reconsider the idea of surrender. Maybe I hadn't ever really surrendered to the point that he wanted me to? 

I don't remember exactly how it played out after that dream, cause to be honest, I can't remember exactly when it was, I just remember it was sometime this fall. 

All I know is that I asked G*d to help me understand what real surrender looked like if that was what he wanted me to do. And I guess that is what he did. And you were all witnesses of that with what I wrote here. I had no idea what was coming, but what happened in my life right before this was different than anything that happened during the three years before. 

I'm truly amazed to be sitting here typing this. 26 weeks pregnant. Waiting to go back to the states and celebrate with so many of the people that I love the most. I am beyond excited and completely blown away. I don't know why he chose something so amazing for me, but I am truly, truly grateful! 

Lessons from "A Christmas Story"

I know it's may and Christmas is long over, but bear with me on this one. I promise it's good!

As I was sitting and talking to Papa the other day about the journey that I have been on the past three years, I started to realize that there was a lot more to share than what I already have. I started to read my journals and also remember some of what happened in the months before I was pregnant.

I will share the following journal entry, almost exactly as it was written in my journal. I wrote this on December 27th, 2013. According to calculations, I got pregnant somewhere between Christmas and New Years. 

I think most of you know the American Christmas Classic known as "A Christmas Story," if not, either you are not from America or you are a lot younger than me or you missed out on a vital part of the American experience... I wrote this after watching it with Curtis on Christmas day. 

"There is a scene in this movie that I've watched many times before and never really thought much of, but when I watched it this time, it struck a chord and brought me to tears. 

The scene is Christmas morning. The boys have just opened a heap of wonderful gifts and Ralphie sits peacefully with his parents. He didn't get the very thing that he had longed for, hinted at, pined over that season but yet he still has a surprising peace about him. His dad asks him if he got everything he wanted for Christmas and he says 'almost.' 

Then the dad says 'Wait a minute! What's over there in the corner?' Ralphie turns and then he sees it, it had been sitting there all along. He runs over to see a package resembling exactly the gift that he had asked for! 

Then it strikes me. The delight on the father's face when he opened the gift. He waited till the very last minute to give him what he wanted, but he was filled with joy and delight as he watched his son open this gift. He probably even experienced a great deal more joy than even Ralphie did. 

This very obviously flawed earthly father, who seems almost villainous at times during the movie does something so beautiful. He simply delights in giving his child exactly what he wanted. It made me think, doesn't our Father in heaven do the same. But sometimes he waits, he gives us many other good gifts first and sometimes what he gives us isn't exactly what we asked for, but it's always what's best and he always, always, always takes delight in seeing us unwrap them!"

I had no idea that he would soon form in my body the very gift that I had been begging him for. In all honestly I did feel that something good was coming. I really wanted to believe that we would have a child by next Christmas as we had asked of Him so many times this season. But I was afraid to hope. And the hope that I did have was for adoption. I really never expected that in less than a month I would be holding a positive pregnancy test and in less than six months I would be reflecting on this in such a way. 

There isn't much more to say. He gives good gifts. I am so undeserving of this beautiful gift. The kicks, the life I feel blooming inside of me is priceless and a feeling I was not sure would ever be mine. What a precious precious gift it is indeed. 

The icing on the cake! I really really wanted a girl!

THE Story

After three years of asking for a child, we found out that for the first time we were pregnant on January 13th. Since then I have been pretty sick and barely find times when I feel good enough to fulfill my day to day responsibilities, let alone blog about what happened! 

So I want to share our story with you, at least just the part about finding out we were pregnant. Not the whole three years before… 

Since September I had been taking Hormones. The Doctor didn’t really know if they would work because as far as the doctor’s were concerned there was nothing in either one of us that could be pinpointed as the reason for why we were not getting pregnant. The doctor also told us we could only take them for four months. What they didn’t tell us at first was that these hormones could cause my cycles to be irregular. We found that out the hard way in December, after being convinced that “THIS WAS IT.” We were more than let down when my period came 7 days late. 

That seemed like a breaking point for us. Even though we knew we had one more month of the medication, we were not convinced that it was going to make a difference. We started asking Papa about In Vitro. Was it the right option for us? We have always wanted to adopt, but we had already looked into International Adoption and that was not possible for us for several reasons having to do with our life overseas. We had never really looked into Domestic adoption, but really thought it was almost impossible unless we moved back to the states long term.

But the more we asked, the more we felt Papa challenging us to seek out this option. So we gave it over to him. We surrendered the life we love to him and just agreed that we would do whatever it took to get a child through adoption if he didn’t give us one naturally, which we honestly didn't even consider as a possibility at this point… It was a painful letting go process. 

We really started to consider and talk about what life would look like back in the states. It seemed depressing to leave everything from the past five years, leaving our work would be a challenge, but mostly the thought of leaving the relationships behind was excruciatingly painful . 

I remember Sunday January 12th well. I was 9 days late and we were both convinced that the hormones were once again effecting my cycle. I might have had a few passing thoughts of pregnancy but shooed them away with the reality that these hormones did it last month and from what I read it progresses more and more the longer you take them. 

But since I was a whole 9 days late I figured that I should take a test to just completely get the thought out of my mind for good. To know for sure and then just wait for my period to start in peace. Boy was I in for a surprise the next day.

I woke up groggy the next morning at 6:30am as usual. Knowing that I needed to take the pregnancy test right away, but not really feeling like it was going to be positive, although I had just dreamt twice that I had positive pregnancy tests, and to be honest that had only happened once or twice before, in the very beginning. I didn’t really take the dreams as anything…

I took the test and within seconds I was wide awake! Usually it takes a moment for the first line to appear, but it seemed almost immediate that both lines were bright red!! 

I screamed and ran into the bedroom! “Curtis it’s positive!!” I was amazed! He was so confused! He had completely forgotten I was taking a test! He usually wakes up if I’m gonna take one and worries about it. This time he slept soundly because we were both convinced that it was going to be negative. I cannot stress enough how convinced we were of that! 

So what ensued was an amazing moment with tears and kisses and hugs and disbelief! Unbelievably Curtis fell back asleep, but all I could do was praise God! I was in a daze most of the day. My head was in the clouds. 

The next day the worry started to set in, and thus it began. The journey of parenthood. I know that I don't have a baby yet. But it began that day, with the knowledge of this little life inside of me. I was no longer responsible for only myself. I couldn't be more afraid or excited of what lies ahead.

Movements

As I have established in past posts. Life is not always easy. Also as stated in one of my favorite films "While you were sleeping" Life does not always goes as planned. But music can be a source of inspiration in those times. 

My brother gifted me an album by Rend Collective Experiment through iTunes around Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped listening to it! I barely ever want to listen to Christmas music, which is a pretty big thing for me, because I am so obsessed with this album. 

My very favorite song on the whole album spoke to me so loudly when I first heard it and still every time I listen it makes me feel so strong. Like with Him I can do anything. I can fight through all the difficulties and frustrations I face. Even when 7 days late, hope is soaring, then in an instant, dreams crushed. That was the worst, or the most 'real' it's ever been. Just this last time. We really thought this was 'it.' I'm taking hormones, they must have worked... But no. I read later that the hormones I was taking can make you late. That would have been good to know before.

All of this and I leave to go swimming. Hoping to drown my sorrows in the pool. Cold, sunny morning bus ride, headphones on, a banjo plays and then,

"I wanna soar with You

Upon wings like eagles

But I'll crawl with You too

When the dark and lonely questions come"

This is a dark and lonely question if I have ever known one. That is the best way I have ever heard it described actually. Anyone who has experienced this knows, it's dark, sometimes sucking the color from everything in life. It's lonely when everyone around you is moving on in life and you are stuck in the same stage for no good reason. At least as far as you know... the WHY? comes oh so easily. It rolls off in tears and gut wrenching sobs. No relief. till... 

Finally, you put your trust in Him. You resign yourself to the fact that He is in control. That He is trustworthy and good. That you will stand with Him and hold tight until you come out of this. Even if you NEVER come out of it. That is when the peace comes. The peace that you never knew was possible. 

I keep listening. I feel stronger with each verse:

"I wanna stand true

No matter what's new or comes through

I can’t stand still

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm feeling alive. I am feeling the fight rise up inside of me like never before:

"I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me

I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be

Come move in me

Where I wanna be, come move in me"

I feel the waves beating against me, but I'm paddling hard to keep myself going to Him: 

"I wanna float with you

The currents driving me

But I'll paddle hard too 

When the waves and rapids overcome"

My emotions are higher than ever, I really thought this was it, but I TRUST you... 

"I wanna stand firm

When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm

I must stand true

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm His completely. Nothing can drive me away. 

"I won't walk away, won't walk away"

Those words run over and over in my mind, into my soul. "I won't walk away." No I won't, I really won't. I trust Him. I trust Him. I couldn't say that, even just a few months ago I didn't trust him like I do now. I feel the fight rising up and I will keep going. I don't know what He has for us, but I know it's good. He hasn't failed me yet. He is Fa!thful and good.  Sometimes I will wrestle a bit with what He has for me, but I will keep making movements to Him Even when the dark and lonely questions come and that will have me soaring higher than ever before. 

Knowing you...

For the first time in our four years here, this being our fifth Holiday Season, we invited our local friends to our home to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. We made turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and all the fixings of a good Thanksgiving feast. But that is not really what made it special. We went around a said what we were thankful for as most Americans do on this Holiday, but this year what I had to be thankful for was very different and unexpected for most of our friends. 

The past three years at Thanksgiving, I have tried to focus on other things to be grateful for and look past the most obvious struggle that I am going through in order to do that. But this year that was the very source of my Thanksgiving. I only realized it the morning before our first Thanksgiving celebration that I had come to a point of surrender that I never had reached in these past three years. 

As we began to sing the words to a song that I have sung many times, I was filled with the overwhelming reality of this truth. ..

“Knowing you, 

Gsus, 

knowing you, 

there is no greater thing.” 

The truth of those words reverberated in my being like never before and I knew that was exactly what he wanted me to share with our friends and I was pretty sure with the world, now and always. 

In these past three years life has been filled with so much disappointment and hopelessness at times. I have no more reason to hope now than I ever did during these years. But I do have hope. I have hope in the everlasting joy of knowing my Sav!our. His love is that good. I have walked with him for several years, but have never had the opportunity to experience intimacy with Him in the way that I have recently.

He has taught me that in the midst of hardship I can either choose to draw closer to him than ever before or allow that hardship to harden me and separate me from him. I have allowed it to separate me from him and I’m not saying that I won’t do that in the future if this continues. But right now I am choosing to let this draw me closer to him. To rely on him fully as the giver of all gifts. 

So I'll leave you with the words of this song, to meditate on. To remind you of this precious gift, the gift of a truly intimate creator who wants nothing more than to know and be known by his children. 

"All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres and wars to own

All I once thought gain I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Gsus, knowing You

There is no greater thing

You're my all, You're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

And I love You L0rd

Now my heart's desire is to know You more

To be found in You and know as Yours

To possess by fa!th what I could not earn

All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your r!sen life

And to know You in Your sufferings

To become like You in Your death, my L0rd

So with You to live and never die"

No more hiding

I'm going through a hard time right now. Actually that is an understatement. It's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's so hard that I walked out of a group of people lifting their voices to the King the other day. I just couldn't bear to do anything but weep. Drown myself in my sorrows. I couldn't lift my voice to him, except in anguish. I have asked 'why?' way too many times to count at this point.

It sounds pretty dramatic. But to me it is. It's something that all women want in their life. Something natural that you just think when we're ready, we'll try and we'll get one. Three years later, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work that way for everyone.

I'm not sure what to even make of it sometimes. I didn't want people to know we were trying until we got to make one of those ever so popular baby announcements on Facebook, with a photo of an ultrasound or a positive pregnancy test or just something really catchy, cute or clever. Nowadays those kinds of posts just make me upset. I am sure if that day ever comes I will write something about it on Facebook, but I'm sure it will be different because of the journey.

So I'm not here to just complain about this or to open up about this three year journey that I feel like I have been hiding from the world. I really just wanted to write about how amazing the people I work with are, but I felt like I couldn't just tell everyone I am going through this terrible time and not be open about it what it actually was. But as I began to write,  I felt that the weight of this burden was falling off. The hiding is over, it has been killing me to hide this pain.

I don't want people to take pity on me or anything. I just need people to stand with me as I go through this. I think it's good to be open at this point. It's been a really long time and things may not change. We may NEVER have children and I have to be at PEACE with that and I have to stop feeling SHAME. I am not going to say it's okay or deny my feelings and I am NOT going to stop FIGHTING for it! But I cannot keep pretending, hiding all this pain from everyone and also just thinking 'people will know about it when it's over.' I really don't know WHEN it will be over. But that's OKAY. At least most of the time...

So I guess I am just saying please stand with us as we ask Papa to give us children. We have been asking for three long years and we are getting weary. I have very little hope that things will change soon. But I am trying to continue to trust my G*d because HE IS GOOD!

Now about the people I work with. Papa has placed me in the midst of such loving and understanding people. I walked out of the meeting close to tears and I have never done anything like that before, so many who saw knew that something was up. Some of them know what we are going through and others don't. All the same, they weren't inquisitive about what was wrong, they just hugged me and told me that it was all going to be okay, And it is. It really is.

Papa has blessed me with such a full life. I really couldn't imagine it any other way as I walk through this journey with all these amazing people beside me. Don't even get me started on what an amazing encouragement my husband is through this. We are standing together and fighting to keep our eyes focused on the one who loves us and gives his kids good gifts.