some days

Today is just one of those days that you think "Where did my sweet baby go?" It's a struggle to see her in pain and not know what it is that's hurting and what we can do to help. To offer her 10 different food options and by the time you're done you're both in tears and nothing has been consumed. To wish that she could just be like "other babies" and sleep off her sickness instead of waking up every hour and the only way she'll stay asleep is to nurse. To watch her go through breathing treatments after praying so hard that she would never have to struggle with asthma the way that you did. 

I'm not looking for sympathy, just people who understand. People who might feel like they're not alone because they're facing or have faced the same things.

These days are hard but they also hold glimmers of hope. Little glimpses of the baby you know and love so well. The reminder of how blessed you are and how hard you prayed for what you have now. 

Despite its difficulty, it's worth the tears, the uncertainty, the frustration, the momentary feelings of insanity, and sides of yourself that you never wanted to see and vowed you would never be. It's all so. very. worth. it. 

My New Reality

It's been way too long since my last post. Rather than uninspired, I have been super busy and haven't made time for this creative outlet. I have been missing it, seeing other bloggers write and remembering that feeling of accomplishment that I got when I wrote regularly on my blog.

I've decided recently that I'm gonna make time for things that matter. Things that inspire me, and add value to my life and to my family. I believe that my job as a wife and mother is to serve them by creating a healthy and loving atmosphere in our home and I'm determined to do that.

One of my favorite times of day is morning. I sit with a cup of coffee and watch my daughter play after working out and getting us both fed. She grabs part of my pant leg and says in her sweet little inquiring voice, "Go?" and I follow her into her room. Watch her as she plucks her toys our of the shelf one by one. She fits all the shape into her shape sorter and I clap and cheer her on, just watching, amazed at what a smart little girl she is growing up to be. She grabs one of many books and hands it to me with sweetness in her eyes she says "Yeah?" and as quickly as I say yes, she starts to lifts herself up onto my lap.

Sweet little moments every day that I love having with her. Moments that are precious to us stay at home mamas. These moments don't come without the frustrations of motherhood, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a mama is by far one of the most challenging jobs I have ever done, but my favorite by a long shot! I'm so excited to get you all up to date a bit on my new reality, but for now I just want to say that I'm coming back to the blogging world. It may only be once a week, hopefully a little more, but I know that I need this creative outlet and I want to continue to share my experiences with people and just have little reminders for myself of what life was like as an early mom. A lot of the times I feel like I'm living in the thick of the best days of my life. There have been so many good times before and there will be so many good times ahead, but I am so thankful for what life is like right now.

Thailand with a Baby

It’s wonderful to be back in Thailand! Maybe traveling with a baby is easier than I thought, or maybe my baby is just amazing! Either way, it’s been such a good trip so far. There were a few bumps along the way, with overnight flights I thought it was going to be disastrous. But it worked out quite well with her personality. She was awake and excited during layovers, then conked out during the flights. 

Some of you may be wondering why we are in Thailand and why I haven’t written for ages… Both are kind of long stories, but I will try to give you the short versions. 

First of all, I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons. One is that I have been so tired and felt really uninspired lately. I guess that connects to why we are in Thailand as well. We just needed some rest. Some answers. Some solitude. Some family time. A lot of somethings… 

I also haven’t written because I felt a little bit ashamed of the fact that my baby was sleeping so bad and things weren’t going so great in the baby world. I just felt like I had nothing to share with other moms. Until I realized that actually I have loads to share. If I could just get to writing and be honest, I am sure a lot of moms out there could relate with what I am going through. 

As perfect of a sleeper that Ruth was her first five months, she has become that much worse the last five months. Teething set her into some bad habits, and we still haven’t broken those habits. But It’s okay! I’m never going to have it ALL together as a mom. I think that the best I can do is accept that and embrace my child for who she is with joy. Embrace these days with joy, cause they will pass so quickly. Embrace life with joy, despite it’s difficulties. Because in all honesty, it's NOT.THAT.DIFFICULT. She wakes up every day excited to face the world. She looks around with awe at everything that she is experiencing. She is such a reminder that life REALLY IS GOOD! 

Embracing life with joy is a little easier to do when you are in Thailand at a beautiful place set up for families just like your, needing to get away from expat life. Just needing a holiday and a little breathing room and some time with your creator. 

It has been SO.VERY.NICE. I can’t emphasize it enough! Even Ruth is more relaxed and just enjoying the extra space and all the sights, and the kids running around during meal times. SO.MANY.KIDS. It’s funny! We are one of the only couples with one child, obviously we are just in the beginning of expanding our family. But most people staying here have at least three kids, majority have four and some have five or more. 

I don’t know exactly what the point of this blog entry is. Maybe just to put me back on the grid. To remind myself that I love writing. That it’s a really great way of processing my feelings. To be able to look back at this precious time later and thank God for what a gift it has been. And this is only the beginning. We will be here for about a month. I know. It’s a long time. But it was a recommended break for us and although we were reluctant to just go ahead and take it at first. We are SO THANKFUL that we did! God has always provided what we needed in terms of finances, so even though the tickets to come here weren’t cheap, we know he will continue to provide. The lodging however, which includes everything else basically, is super cheap and super nice! It's the same chain as the place we stayed in last time, but a different location. We are so blessed to have such a nice place to stay! 

Getting in shape postpartum

So I know that I said I was satisfied with my postpartum body way back when, but I'm starting to feel differently about it ;) Maybe it has to do with summer, maybe it's just time for me to get up and move. Whatever it is, I have made a decision that I want to get in shape.

It's good to make fitness goals public for two main reasons.

* It keeps you accountable

* It inspires others 

So I guess that is what I have decided to do. Right now my fitness goal is to lose 10 pounds by the time Ruth is 40 weeks old. That means I have 9 weeks to do it. That is a lot of time if you decide to go hard with fitness, but I am not sure how much this new mama body can handle. From what I have seen other mommies doing, I think the answer is a lot, but I'm gonna start slow and that should be plenty of time to lose 10 lbs.

Before Ruth started teething I did a week of Sean T's 15 minute workout with Dr. Oz, I found it on youtube. It kicked my booty and I was so sore! It worked well because Ruth just watched me workout and then I sat her by the door of the bathroom while I showered off. By the way, I am giving you the play by play just in case there are any other moms looking for ideas out there. 

This all ended abruptly when she started teething and became a lot fussier. Everything seemed right with the world. I was eating and snacking healthier. I had my baby figured out. Until those mean little suckers started poking through. My world was turned upside down once again. 

7 Months Post Partum

So what's the plan now? My goal is to do Sean T's 15 minute workout 5 days a week again, since Ruthie has a little play station that usually keeps her pretty happy, I will put her in that while I work out and shower. The goal is 5 days a week, but it may turn into only 3 days a week. The next goal is to take a walk with her once a day, I would like it to be an hour long walk, but it may be shorter depending on what the day holds. She usually loves walking, so I am hoping to at least get this goal met even if Sean T doesn't happen ;)

Lastly, but usually the most difficult part for me, food! The dreaded calorie count! It has to happen! I have never lost weight any other way. It's a science and it always works. Myfitnesspal calorie counter and diet tracker makes it a lot easier these days! I should add that it gets tricky when you are breast feeding, so I am adding about 500 calories on top of what I would usually do to lose weight. I guess I can adjust that if it seems like it's not enough or if it seems like too much. More than losing weight I want to have a good milk supply, so if I feel that the amount of calories that I am challenging myself with seems too small for my breastfeeding body, I will most definitely eat more!

I'm happy to say that I already started today and things are off to a good start! Ruth loves sitting like a big girl in her stroller facing out and she falls asleep like a champ in it. When did she get so big?

My parenting style

As is sat there nursing my baby girl to sleep the other day and rubbing her forehead to help her fall asleep easier, I realized how completely satisfied I am with the way I have chosen to parent her at this time. Now as I sit holding her for her nap as I do during most naps nowadays, I am happy. I am happy that my baby lets me hold her while she sleeps and is comforted by her mama's loving arms day and night. They are open to her whenever she needs me. And all the sleep deprivation in the world couldn't keep me from responding to her cries.

It's funny how you think you know things about babies before you have them. I think back to myself even days into her life, set on schedules and sleep training. Wondering when life would be normal again. But then I found a new normal, one that I fell in love with.

I used to have a lot of misconceptions about attachment parenting. I don't love labeling it that either. I understand why it's called attachment parenting now, but to me the title seemed to indicate raising a child who was attached to me and never wanted to leave my side. I realize now that it is actually allowing the child to develop a healthy attachment during the 'attachment phase' of life, thus allowing for a more secure and confident child in the future.  

I feel like a better name for it would be 'instinctual parenting.' I feel that everything about 'attachment parenting' is very instictual. Which is why for so long I wasn't really admitting to myself that I was connected with this group of people who practice this style of parenting. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it, I just wanted to do things the way that felt natural to me. And then I realized that all of the things that have felt natural fell into this category, this style of parenting.

So, finally I admitted to myself and eventually everyone else that I in fact am practicing attachment parenting. Because if you put it on paper that's exactly what it is. I can see how a lot of moms stumble into this style of parenting naturally and there also moms who practice it and don't even realize that there is a label for it. 

It's not a bad thing to not have a label for it, but for me it was a relief when I finally admitted/realized that I in fact was practicing attachment parenting. Mostly because I could find others who were doing things the same way much easier once I put a label on it. I am finding this sense of community comforting and encouraging. I could also find helpful hints and tips on how to do things according to this style. Some of my favorite websites so far have been kellymom and Ask Dr. Sears. 

Once again, I'm not saying that this is THE way to do it. And in a way that is what attachment parenting is all about, doing things instinctually, in a way that feels right for you and your baby. It's about  freedom in the choices that you make for your family. It's about ignoring all the noise out there and just doing what's best for you and your little one.

Keep her close

Some people might not agree with this. But I couldn't agree with anything more right now. Tomorrow my baby girl will be 7 months old. I still wake up at night to feed her. I still let her nap on me most of the time. Many people would say that these are bad habits. But I call it enjoying my baby while she is still a baby. This is the way that I have chosen to parent her and I don't regret it one bit. 

When she sleeps on my lap during the day, mostly on the 'boppy' (breastfeeding pillow for those unfamiliar with it) I breathe her in and feel her closeness because I know that one day she will not want to be so close with me while she is sleeping. When she wakes up she smiles at me and sometimes she falls back asleep. These are precious moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. The housework can wait, my hobbies can wait, so many things can wait till my baby is grown and more independent. 

I am confident that she will grow out of this and become independent which is why I have so much peace with the way that I am doing things now. She is already a very confident and happy and playful baby. She plays well on her own and goes easily to new people. 

But when she is tired and she just wants to be comforted, it's me she seeks. She looks for her mama to comfort her and I want her to know that she can rely on me to do that. I take so much joy in doing it. 

I can't believe that she will be 7 months old tomorrow. This time while she is little is flying by and when she grows out of taking naps with me I want to remember all these times that I allowed myself and my baby to enjoy this opportunity to be close. I could be doing other things, but I have chosen to invest this time in her while she is so very little. I am so very satisfied in what I am doing right now, my only fear is how much I will miss it when it has passed. 

I'm not saying these things to condemn anyone or say that this is the only way. I want moms out there who do the same thing to know that it's okay. Soak it up and enjoy your baby, this time will be gone before you know it. 

Only you know what's best for your baby...

Today was just, crazy! I made an amazing discovery after a very frustrating, cross-cultural doctor visit. All I wanted her to do was check my baby's ears and she wouldn't because she didn't have a fever. I was pretty convinced that my little girl had an ear infection. Last night was better, but before that she was waking every hour four nights in a row! She had a runny nose but this didn't seem to be bothering her much when she slept. It was obvious that some sort of pain was waking her and she always wanted to go straight back to sleep. Rarely needing to be nursed back to sleep, just soothed and rocked a little.

Yesterday when she started pulling a bit at her ears I started to feel sure that it was an ear infection. We have an American pediatrician here, but she is in Europe right now so I needed to see a local doctor. I had no idea what an ordeal it would be. I thought since American doctors always check ears that they would too, but I guess you need to go to a specialist for that here and I wasn't allowed to because she didn't have a fever.

I was very upset. I felt stuck. I contacted my amazing lactation consultant/friend/confidant. I love her! I cannot tell you all enough how this woman has changed my life. She has helped to shape my views, but not in a demanding way, she is so gentle and peaceful and loving and supportive. I can't rave enough about her! She told me a simple way to tell if she might have an ear infection and a natural remedy.

When she woke up I was going to check until I noticed something in her mouth. I knew she had been getting her two bottom teeth and thought that if this all was still from teething it seemed crazy. UNTIL I noticed that her two top teeth were poking through!!! OH MY! I couldn't believe that my six month old had this many teeth already coming through! After checking her ears and realizing that there was no sign of infection according to what my LC told me. This really seemed to explain everything! My world seemed happy again! And all the sudden my baby did too! We did the happy dance to this song :)

General timeline of baby teeth eruption and falling out

I don't think she's completely in the clear, but I could tell from her general countenance that she was doing a whole lot better today. She may still be tired from waking up so much the past five nights. But she's been playing on her own practically all day! This hasn't happened since before all this extreme teething stuff.

I remember reading this blog entry from Sweet Madeleine about lies people will tell you about Infant Sleep. She's writing from her experience of breastfeeding her baby to sleep for the first year of life. I have always held onto one thing that she said in that article, she said that there is always, always a reason for babies waking in the night. I am beginning to notice this pattern with Ruth, when she has a bad night, there is ALWAYS a reason! 

Teething face

I do find myself thinking at times, maybe I am doing it all wrong, but don't we all mamas? These thoughts and feelings usually pass and I eventually figure out what was wrong with Ruth or she just naturally starts going back to sleeping good. She is not a perfect sleeper and I feel at peace with the fact that infants are erratic sleepers. A very interesting article in Psychology Today talks about this.

SO, once again, many people will tell you what to do Mama, and it won't always be what is right for your little one. The doctor I went to told me that I needed to start my baby on solids to help her immune system. Sometimes you need to just smile and nod even when you know better. To see what I'm talking about, read this article on introducing solids from Kelly Mom.

Everyone has ideas, some are good, some are bad. But what it really comes down to is you Mama! You know what is best for your little one and you need to decide on that confidently and stick to it. For now I have decided what is best for my little one, there are so many decisions that I will continue to need to make in raising her, but I am super satisfied with the decisions I have made so far with her as a baby which is why I am passionate about sharing the ideas behind many of them.

So do your research mamas and don't be satisfied till you find the way that is best for you and your little one!

Let's be real

Yeah. So I realized yesterday that writing about what is happening is really really good for me. It makes me feel alive. If I can get things out there and just be real it is like sunshine for my soul.

I absolutely love when people tell me that they can relate to what I am writing. My strongest hope for my writings is that they will reach people that need to hear what I'm writing. People that just want something that they can read and go "yeah, I've totally been there!" I hope that they can be something that excite people at times and stir them to action, but also that they can just be something that eases their mind and reminds them that someone else out there is going through the same thing. 

I want to be informative of course and teach people what I am learning, but I also want to be real and just share what I've been facing. To be honest, I've been really afraid of being real. I've been afraid that people would judge my style of parenting if I was real. That they would say, 'see, we told you that you needed to teach your baby to self soothe.' Or something along those terms.

But I'm tired of sitting back and being ashamed of the way that I parent my child. I absolutely love and adore her. I've done lots of research and feel confident in the decisions I have made. I can't be afraid to share the negative parts of being a mom just because people might tell me that I'm doing things wrong.

No matter what you do I can guarantee you that there will be people trying to tell you that you are doing things wrong. So if you are doing something, you have got to do it with confidence. Especially attachment parenting ;) I didn't want to label it, but there it is. I can't tell you how many people and sources will tell you the opposite of what I believe to be right for my sweet little family.

I will not tell you that this is the way to do it for your family. But I will tell you that I am happy and confident with the decision that I have made to do it with my family!

Welcome to the jungle

Hello everyone! I am still alive. barely. Life has been rough lately. Teething babies are not for the faint of heart. Mine has been teething basically since my last blog post which was over a month ago... I was so set on doing things well and consistently with this blog, but never mind that. I have had a teething baby and now a sick baby. Oh the joys of parenthood.

I still feel a lot of joy from it though. That's the funny thing. It encompasses my whole life and I can't do a lot of the things the I used to love doing, But I have found so much joy in the things that I am now doing. That mostly being taking care of a rascally little baby girl. Seriously though, this girl is wild! She NEVER STOPS MOVING!

So I didn't know that being a mom would be so full on, but I also didn't know how much I would love it! I absolutely love it! Every second? No! Haha! She woke up every single hour last night and the night before! She's been sick, so I'm pretty sure that is what it is associated with. It could be teething. Did I get frustrated? Yes! Did I ever not want to come to her rescue? No way! I love being the one. I love that she needs ME.

I had a hard time with that at first. I thought she should be more independent. Should be able to sleep without being comforted. I had ideas that came from other people, books, doctors. But now, I understand how I want to do it. How I want to be there for her no matter what.

It was so sad to see her sick this weekend, but one amazing thing that I realized is how much she needs ME. That was a first. She didn't want her daddy in the middle of the night. As much as I want him to be able to comfort her and I know he will be able to more in the future. He just wasn't cutting it for her when she was sick. She didn't need to be breast fed at the time. She just needed her mommy's loving arms to rock her to sleep. It was a beautiful feeling to be the ONE. I have wanted this for so long.

Oh what a precious and fleeting thing motherhood is. I am only in the beginning but I already realize how quickly it flies by. Don't get me wrong, I know that I will forever be a mother now, that this little girl will forever be etched on my heart, but these days when they are little are short! I sometimes miss those newborn days. Things were simpler. She was tiny and easy to put to sleep ;) Now she is much bigger and more distractible. But she is SO MUCH FUN!

It's really fun to watch them grow, but I have heard so many people say to enjoy these days while they last, though at times they can be very difficult to enjoy. But despite all of the hard times I really strive to embrace this jungle that I am in now. It feels endless. It feels thick and all encompassing, but it's fleeting. Her giggles and her smiles and her new developments every day, they will slow down and she will normalize and equalize and become easier. But she will never be the little person that she is now again. So I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

5 reasons why I still nurse my baby to sleep

Before I had my baby I thought I was going to be one of those moms that gets her baby on a perfect schedule and makes sure that she naps in her crib and does everything "right." I read some books that made me think that this was what I needed to do, that this was the only way that I would be a happy mom with a happy baby.

Here I am almost six months in and I don't really do anything that was written in those books and I think I have one of the happiest babies in the world! Now, maybe you are a mom and you do all the things written in those books and you feel like you have one of the happiest babies, and you probably do!

I just feel constantly bombarded with the mindset that it's wrong to nurse your baby to sleep. If I can help one new mom stop her negative thoughts about nursing her baby to sleep then this post has done what it was meant to do. I had way too many of those when I started out and I still have people telling me that I shouldn't do it, the difference now is that I have made a decision that I feel good about and I just disregard those comments.

My baby has always nursed to sleep with ease. There have been nights where she has gone to sleep sucking on her pacifier in my arms instead, but the vast majority of nights she nurses to sleep and I love it that way!

So I came up with a list of why I still breastfeed my baby to sleep. I am not coming against other methods, I just want to champion the moms who are breastfeeding their babies to sleep and feel like they need to stop. I really don't think there is a good reason to stop unless you are having real problems with sleep and even then I would question it because sometimes babies just have sleep issues despite what you do.

1. It's natural! From the beginning I kept thinking, "why would I ever want to stop doing this?" it feels so natural and so God given. There is literally a chemical in breastmilk that makes babies sleepy, how much more natural can it get than that! I read in "Psychology Today" that along with tryptophan (the sleep inducing hormone)"Nighttime breastmilk also has amino acids that promote serotonin synthesis. Serotonin makes the brain work better, keeps one in a good mood, and helps with sleep-wake cycles. So it may be especially important for children to have evening or night breastmilk because it has tryptophan in it, for reasons beyond getting them to sleep." 

2. She will still sleep in my arms. I have heard a lot of moms out there say that there baby no longer sleeps in their arms. I wonder how much of that is because we expect them to "grow up" too quickly? By this I mean that we are already so worried about sleep training etc. that sometimes maybe we don't even give them a chance to do things naturally? Please don't take this out of context, I know there are a lot of working moms out there and moms with multiple kids, as well as babies who just won't nurse to sleep. I get this, but I also feel like there were a lot of voices out there making me feel like I needed to sleep train my baby despite the fact that she nursed so well to sleep, but I decided not to and I am so happy I chose this for my family!

3. She eats more. This may not be true for every baby, but when my baby girl is not relaxed she rarely gets to the hind milk, she will eat for about five minutes and then she wants to play again. Eating when she is tired is the best thing for the active and distract able baby that she is. When she is sleepy she will eat for 15-20 minutes happily and she is so relaxed the whole time.

4. It's relaxing for me. Breastfeeding her and holding her while she sleeps is seriously so relaxing for me. It's often my down time during the day. When she's awake she likes to watch me do things around the house, so I can get things done during that time, while still having plenty of time to play and interact with her. When my baby is feeding and then sleeping I feel close to her while I relax. I usually use this time on my iPhone, there really are a lot of useful things you can do on your iPhone! I do realize that this approach is not for everyone, people with multiple children, for instance, probably do not have this luxury. To me it is a wonderful luxury and I've decided to embrace it fully while I still can. I most likely won't have the chance to soak up so much cuddle time with my other children. 

5. They're only little once. This is really what it all comes down to for me. I really cherish the times when I nurse my little girl to sleep and I know this time is going to go by so quickly! So why feel like I need to rush her into sleeping in the crib all the time if it's not an immediate need? (I should mention that she falls asleep really good and takes naps in her crib when she chooses not to nurse to sleep, I plan to write a post about how we do that) One more really great quote from the article in Psychology today: "Nursing and cuddling to sleep offers comfort for your child, a closeness that is associated with positive developmental outcomes. Children  will seek this closeness as a natural part of development. This is not a bad thing, it is simply offering your child the closeness that is a natural part of growth and parenting."

My main prerogative here is not to discourage moms who don't nurse their children to sleep or say that this is the only way to go. My main goal is to help moms who do nurse their children to sleep to embrace it and see the good in it. If there is no reason to stop doing, why sweat it? You're doing an amazing job mama! Keep up the great work!

One last note of reference. This article on Kellymom about breastfeeding to sleep really helped me to shift my mindset about it in the early days. I have found so many useful articles on Kellymom about breastfeeding. 

Children are a beautiful distraction

So, yesterday was a bit of a disaster and I felt like a huge hypocrite! I was trying to write my post for "Happy Thought Mondays." This great new idea that I had and I kept getting distracted by my daughter. Why in the world would that make me feel like a hypocrite? Maybe because that is what the post was meant to be about! 

As you may have noticed, my blog evolves with me, meaning, when my passion changes, so does my blog. Well, I am super passionate about being a mother at this time in my life and since I plan to devote the next several years to this job, I am guessing that won't change for a while. I'm really excited about all the new things I have thought of to write about and I am really hoping that I will have time to write about them, but if I don't it's okay because of the following truth (which was especially true yesterday while I was trying to write this post)

Okay, so yesterday I started writing about how she was napping and then she woke up and she just doesn't nap well in general, blah blah blah blah blah. But honestly, how many of you moms know what I'm talking about? Free time is hard to find and when we do find it, we have to know that things can change at the drop of a hat! 

I was in tears yesterday because my day did not meet up to MY expectations. I felt like a bad mother and a blog hypocrite ;) Mostly because I was about to debut all this new stuff on my blog about being a mom and having so much to share with the world, but that is what being a mom is all about ladies! (sorry if you are a guy reading this, I am just assuming that mostly ladies will be reading this now, but if you are a stay at home Dad, more power to ya! - Was that really 90's of me to write?) 

I am beginning to understand more and more that being a mom is just about rolling with the punches. Knowing that we are going to mess up and we aren't always going to get things done and our babies aren't always going to take their naps, but if they are healthy and happy and you are giving them attention and love. Then guess what? NONE of that MATTERS! Can I get an AMEN? 

So, there you have it! Happy Thoughts Monday (or in this case, Tuesday)! 

Please check out my new "about" section and also the new "motherhood" tab. I'm really going to be focusing on posting helpful stuff for moms, as well as just honest posts about life as a mom. I will be sharing on pinterest and other social networks because I feel that passionate about the things that I am learning; So much more passionate than I have about anything else I have ever written! So please share my blog with your mommy friends or wait for a post that is more exciting. 

She will change...

This is something that I really wish people would have told me when my baby was teeny tiny. I would have held onto it and I think it would have helped me to savor those first days a bit more. I think a few people told me this, but I guess I didn’t listen well. I guess I didn’t realize how VERY true it was, that everything would change and I didn’t have to worry about schedules and sleeping through the night and the fact that I basically lived on the couch where I fed her. 

I guess it just took some adjusting. But if I could just go back to my brand new mommy self and say, “Hey, enjoy this, she is going to change SO MUCH!” I really thought that I would be living in Central Asia, past three months, and nursing all the time. The reality is, once she gained a little weight and became more aware of the world, she stopped wanting to nurse all the time. She was just so little and that was really the only thing that brought her joy while she was awake, so she wanted to do it ALL THE TIME! 

She’s starting to get to a point where she doesn't want to nurse to sleep as much. It makes me kind of sad. Though I can say that for the past few months I have been thoroughly enjoying nursing and holding my sleeping baby girl. Now as she lies perfectly asleep in her crib, as I have wished for so many times, I wonder how many times I will get to nurse her to sleep again and hold her while she naps. It’s much easier when they are brand new and they don’t wake up every move you make, but as they grow it gets trickier. Still just as desirable, I just want to cuddle her up every time I see her asleep. 

I feel like I wished those days away at times, not realizing how precious and easy they were. She has changed and in some ways she is so much easier, partly because I have changed, partly because I know her and she knows me, and partly because she is just maturing. I really am a mommy now. Not a very seasoned one, but I have WAY more confidence than I did those first difficult days. I just wish that I knew how precious those days were. My first days as a mommy, they were so stressful at times. I remember not being able to eat because I was so stressed about doing my job right. How funny that seems now. 

I guess this is mostly just a reminder to all the new moms out there to cherish those precious first months. It’s also a reminder to myself to cherish today, tomorrow and the days that seem long, because she won’t be like this forever and there is so much about it that is priceless. 

Postpartum Body Image Ramblings

My body is different now. It would be nice if the pregnancy weight just melted off and I was back down to the size I was when I became pregnant. But honestly, I have never thought about my body the way I do now. It feels so good to not worry about it for once and not to feel guilty about going weeks months without an intentional "workout."

I sometimes look at myself and think that I would like to start working out and don't want to let myself go. I never look at myself and feel disgusted, to be completely honest, I feel pretty impressed with what my body has done! I felt so good after I gave birth to my sweet girl, especially since I did it without any drugs. I felt like I had just run a marathon and I feel that without a doubt I could do it again and actually hope to.

I am amazed at how beautifully my milk has come in and feel so blessed to have never had a problem with supply. So many women have problems for unknown reasons and for some reason my body produces milk wonderfully. I am amazed when I see my baby that has more than doubled in weight, just from eating the milk that comes out of my body! What a beautiful image of what our female bodies were made to do.

I feel a kind of beautiful that for many years I wasn't sure I would ever feel! Sure, I have the desire to get back on the bike or jump into the pool and start losing weight. It feels good to be healthy and exercise produces endorphins that are so good for my mind and spirit as well as my body.

I guess I just realize that I have a very different body image now than I did before. My body was made to provide life for my baby, not just to look pretty.

So although I will still try to make my body look good by exercising, eating a healthy balanced diet and doing all of the other things a woman does to make herself look nice, I will never look at my body the same again. I will always see it as a source of life, and a beautiful tool that God has given me to nourish that life.

People often say that pregnant women have a glow, but in all honesty I did not feel it at all when I was pregnant. I do however feel like I am glowing now. It's a glow that I have never felt before, not one that comes from nicely tanned skin, a perfect diet or a disciplined workout schedule. It comes from a joy deep within me, something that I sought after for years. It's finally mine and I never really knew how badly I wanted it. Sure those old feelings of insecurity creep back up at times, but I have been amazed at how secure I feel in my body, despite it's appearance since having my baby.

So I will cherish this time and enjoy the way that I feel about my body right now. I am after all a woman. Feelings change so quickly. But I would like to look back and remember this feeling. It's life giving and a good reminder of what our bodies were made for. And of course, when the time is right, I will have time to work out again and to put some effort into making my body look the way that I want it to look. But for now, I am going to focus on using it to give life to my daughter and allow that to breath life into my spirit as well.