Movements

As I have established in past posts. Life is not always easy. Also as stated in one of my favorite films "While you were sleeping" Life does not always goes as planned. But music can be a source of inspiration in those times. 

My brother gifted me an album by Rend Collective Experiment through iTunes around Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped listening to it! I barely ever want to listen to Christmas music, which is a pretty big thing for me, because I am so obsessed with this album. 

My very favorite song on the whole album spoke to me so loudly when I first heard it and still every time I listen it makes me feel so strong. Like with Him I can do anything. I can fight through all the difficulties and frustrations I face. Even when 7 days late, hope is soaring, then in an instant, dreams crushed. That was the worst, or the most 'real' it's ever been. Just this last time. We really thought this was 'it.' I'm taking hormones, they must have worked... But no. I read later that the hormones I was taking can make you late. That would have been good to know before.

All of this and I leave to go swimming. Hoping to drown my sorrows in the pool. Cold, sunny morning bus ride, headphones on, a banjo plays and then,

"I wanna soar with You

Upon wings like eagles

But I'll crawl with You too

When the dark and lonely questions come"

This is a dark and lonely question if I have ever known one. That is the best way I have ever heard it described actually. Anyone who has experienced this knows, it's dark, sometimes sucking the color from everything in life. It's lonely when everyone around you is moving on in life and you are stuck in the same stage for no good reason. At least as far as you know... the WHY? comes oh so easily. It rolls off in tears and gut wrenching sobs. No relief. till... 

Finally, you put your trust in Him. You resign yourself to the fact that He is in control. That He is trustworthy and good. That you will stand with Him and hold tight until you come out of this. Even if you NEVER come out of it. That is when the peace comes. The peace that you never knew was possible. 

I keep listening. I feel stronger with each verse:

"I wanna stand true

No matter what's new or comes through

I can’t stand still

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm feeling alive. I am feeling the fight rise up inside of me like never before:

"I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me

I'm running fast and free to You

‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be

Come move in me

Where I wanna be, come move in me"

I feel the waves beating against me, but I'm paddling hard to keep myself going to Him: 

"I wanna float with you

The currents driving me

But I'll paddle hard too 

When the waves and rapids overcome"

My emotions are higher than ever, I really thought this was it, but I TRUST you... 

"I wanna stand firm

When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm

I must stand true

Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You"

I'm His completely. Nothing can drive me away. 

"I won't walk away, won't walk away"

Those words run over and over in my mind, into my soul. "I won't walk away." No I won't, I really won't. I trust Him. I trust Him. I couldn't say that, even just a few months ago I didn't trust him like I do now. I feel the fight rising up and I will keep going. I don't know what He has for us, but I know it's good. He hasn't failed me yet. He is Fa!thful and good.  Sometimes I will wrestle a bit with what He has for me, but I will keep making movements to Him Even when the dark and lonely questions come and that will have me soaring higher than ever before. 

Knowing you...

For the first time in our four years here, this being our fifth Holiday Season, we invited our local friends to our home to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. We made turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and all the fixings of a good Thanksgiving feast. But that is not really what made it special. We went around a said what we were thankful for as most Americans do on this Holiday, but this year what I had to be thankful for was very different and unexpected for most of our friends. 

The past three years at Thanksgiving, I have tried to focus on other things to be grateful for and look past the most obvious struggle that I am going through in order to do that. But this year that was the very source of my Thanksgiving. I only realized it the morning before our first Thanksgiving celebration that I had come to a point of surrender that I never had reached in these past three years. 

As we began to sing the words to a song that I have sung many times, I was filled with the overwhelming reality of this truth. ..

“Knowing you, 

Gsus, 

knowing you, 

there is no greater thing.” 

The truth of those words reverberated in my being like never before and I knew that was exactly what he wanted me to share with our friends and I was pretty sure with the world, now and always. 

In these past three years life has been filled with so much disappointment and hopelessness at times. I have no more reason to hope now than I ever did during these years. But I do have hope. I have hope in the everlasting joy of knowing my Sav!our. His love is that good. I have walked with him for several years, but have never had the opportunity to experience intimacy with Him in the way that I have recently.

He has taught me that in the midst of hardship I can either choose to draw closer to him than ever before or allow that hardship to harden me and separate me from him. I have allowed it to separate me from him and I’m not saying that I won’t do that in the future if this continues. But right now I am choosing to let this draw me closer to him. To rely on him fully as the giver of all gifts. 

So I'll leave you with the words of this song, to meditate on. To remind you of this precious gift, the gift of a truly intimate creator who wants nothing more than to know and be known by his children. 

"All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres and wars to own

All I once thought gain I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Gsus, knowing You

There is no greater thing

You're my all, You're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

And I love You L0rd

Now my heart's desire is to know You more

To be found in You and know as Yours

To possess by fa!th what I could not earn

All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your r!sen life

And to know You in Your sufferings

To become like You in Your death, my L0rd

So with You to live and never die"

Goals are hard

So I know that I just wrote a post about daring to dream that sounded oh so inspirational, but then reality hit me! This weekend I was too lazy for my dreams. I ate lots of fattening foods, I didn’t practice guitar 3x a day and the thought of learning Kazakh was very far from my mind. 

I am not saying that treats are not okay and rest is not okay. Those things are great in moderation, but this was not a weekend of moderation. It was way beyond that. I felt like I had failed on all my goals and I just wanted to give up. 

When I told Curtis, he said something interesting, but so true. I have heard it before, but this time it really hit home...

I told him that I felt like I was failing at all my dreams and he said that usually when we dream we feel like giving up, that is what makes it a dream. The amount of times that all you want to do is give up, but you keep on going, is what separates the ordinary goals from extraordinary ones. There will always be times of wanting to give up when you are doing something worthwhile, something worth fighting for. That is where the fight comes in. 

Its also not always about how you feel. If you just keep pushing through the times when you don’t feel like it, you will eventually get to point of accomplishing your goal. I think most dreams and big goals are like that. the are achieved gradually. So gradually that one day you wake up and realize that you have basically achieved your goal. Like with weight loss. I knew that, but its so much harder when you are going through the motions. You just feel like nothing is changing, until one day you look in the mirror or see a picture of yourself and you realize that you have in fact changed a lot! 

I definitely believe in treating myself, but I think that much of the time when we treat ourselves, if we do it too much, we are actually cheating ourselves of our potential to achieve great things. We get into an entitlement attitude of deserving or needing rest and we end up cheating ourselves of the really great things in life. 

These new dreams have shown me that. So now when I think about just sitting and relaxing before playing guitar or skipping one of my 3x, I remember that if I do I am just cheating myself of the accomplishment and joy that playing the guitar will be someday. 

I’m excited about this new hobby and I hope that someday I will enjoy it so much that I will have to pull myself away from it to achieve other things. But for now I am gonna keep on fighting for the things that I know will feed my sp!r!t and have me soaring to new heights. 

Daring to Dream

As many of you may know from facebook and instagram, I decided to take up guitar this week. As a result, typing this is very painful. For those of you who haven't played guitar, the first week or two is very painful for your fingers because you must form callouses in order to play painlessly in the future.

Lately Papa has been giving me the ability, the passion and the drive to dream again. Losing weight and taking up swimming as a new sport was such a big achievement that it gave me new perspective on my desire to have children. It helped me to see that I could still start and become good at new things. It reminded me to not take this time for granted. Because if children do come, things will change a lot. Through this journey I have shed 20lbs and I'm going for another 5lbs by our 6 year anniversary, November 17th, and a total of 10 more pounds by Christmas :)

Learning Russian was another such achievement. It seemed so big, unthinkable even, to be speaking Russian as fluently as I am now; translating for team meetings, as painful and embarrassing as that is at times; and just being able to be me in Russian is such a relief and a big stress off of my life here in general.

It's really good for me at this point in my life to have goals other than becoming a mother someday, because I am not sure if that is even a realistic goal. I don't want to let go of the hope that it could someday happen, but as a goal, it stinks, because I have absolutely no control over it. Even if there are certain steps I can take to possibly achieve that someday, if it is my entire focus and it never happens, it will ruin me.

I guess I have always known that, but I kept thinking it would happen soon and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. I must stress again, I'm not giving up here. I am just evaluating where my focus is. Of course it must be on HIM, but he gives us permission to dream within his will. Right now his will is not what I dreamed before. But He is giving me new inspiration to dream.

One of the biggest surprises was recently, when He made one of those dreams learning another language. Why do I need to learn another language you ask? Well, there are actually two main languages where I live. One is Russian, and about 99% of the people here know Russian. But about 75% of the people's heart language is Kazakh. 

I have absolutely fallen in love with the Russian language and on top of that Russian culture and Russian people. But that leaves out about 75% of the population in the city I live in. There is definitely a very special place in my heart for Kazakh people, but I have not fallen in love with them as I have with Russians. I had been giving this to Papa and asking Him to help change it. He spoke very clearly to me, He asked me one thing "How did you originally fall in love with Russians?" and I knew the answer was language.

I immediately understood that this meant that He wanted me to learn Kazakh in order to have a deeper love for that 75% of the population. It seems to be a common theme among the foreigners who stay here long enough. You fall in love with one culture and one language and Papa shows you that you need space in your heart for the other language and culture as well.

It's not an easy goal. Studying language is not my favorite. I do know quite a bit of Kazakh just from being around it, but I'm not excited about the word order. I do know one thing though, in the wise words of Tom Hanks (aka Jimmy Dugan) "It's the hard that makes it great."  

So I will continue to dream about doing hard things and glorifying His name through it all. It would just be too easy for me to give up on life and say that I dreamed and didn't get what I dreamed of, a family. But that is just a lie from the pit of hell. Seriously. He made me to dream, even when things don't go as planned, so I guess the message is, never give up and keep on dreaming. I sure am.

Who are we hiding from anyway?

Today while sitting on the bus, I saw the “Free-Spirited Runner.” That’s the best way to describe him at least. I don’t know his name. I know nothing other than he is not ashamed to frolick about in public doing hand motions and bouncing off of walls and posts and the many different items lining the sidewalk. Many people turn their heads to stare at him as he does his wild dance, but this never distracts him from just keeping on. 

He got me thinking. 

What am I ashamed of? Why am I always hiding? Why do we hide parts of ourselves away for others not to see? 

We build up giant walls around ourselves to protect us from others. When, I am not sure if that is what it really does. We need to give people a chance. 

I found out something so beautiful from what I shared yesterday. I found that people are not the awful beasts that I make them out to be in my mind. They are filled with love and understanding. 

Let’s be real. They DO let us down. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t the most amazing creatures of all! We are HIS best creation. So why don’t we remember that when it comes to trusting each other? When it comes to bearing all and sharing who we are with those around us. 

I am not saying sharing every deep dark secret. I’m just saying that as we grow older, as we “mature,” we begin to hide more and more of ourselves from the world, for fear of being judged, ridiculed, criticized etc. But really, people might just think that you are amazing. Because you are YOU!