A year ago today

I started writing this post yesterday, but was not able to finish it. So I'm finishing it today and still looking back with just as much sentiment on the day that this happened...

January 13th, 2014

One year ago today I stared down in awe at two little red lines. Was it really finally happening to me?! Was I going to have a baby for real?! I had never seen those lines before. Three years of one red line. I didn't even want to take the test even though I was two weeks late. The thought of another disappointment killed me. So I just convinced myself that it would be negative. I did a good job convincing Curtis too because for the first time he didn't wake up and wonder what the result would be while I took the test.

That was the day that I started this amazing journey. Of course it was different once she was actually born, but the worrying started right away. I wondered if my body would actually accept a pregnancy or if this would just be the beginning of more disappointment. 

Looking back, I really wish I wouldn't have worried so much. To think that God would take this precious gift away from me. He kept reminding me of a scripture that a friend shared with me at the very beginning of my journey with infertility.

"The LORD of hosts has sworn: 

“As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."

Isaiah 14:24

The disappointment that I encountered before getting pregnant and seeing others around me lose what was theirs kept me from trusting Him. Sometimes I just look around at all the hurt in the world and wonder "how could I not worry?" And clearly, there are disappointments and there are times when He allows things to happen. But the fa!thfulness that he has shown in my life lately, leads me to believe that the wisest thing to do is just trust him no matter what. 

There will be hurt and loss and difficulty. Every day there is a letting go of some sort with babies. They change so much and are always challenging us to be less self absorbed. This of course is a beautiful part of life and can't be compared with other losses that we face. Everything in life can be a teacher if we let it. 

I guess if I came away with one thing this past year, it would be to Trust Him in all circumstances. Because the outcome can only be peace and his perfect peace is exactly what we need, especially in the midst of a storm.